Feelings from Within...

Hey Momma,

It’s me! You’re Son…How are you doing? By what I’ve been hearing, I don’t think you’ve been doing to well. I mean, I keep hearing you and Pops fighting, constantly accusing him of a lie and a cheat, and all he does is make excuses like he was getting a check for it! I also heard him say he was gonna put his hands on you…I swear I wanted to kill ‘em myself. Too bad I ain’t old enough yet…

But Momma, I recently over heard a conversation between you and one of your friends. You were crying and you seemed so hurt! Then I heard you say that you were going to kill ‘em! But ion want you going to jail Momma, you know I can’t live without you right? But you said it again, and your friend said she was coming with you! I wish I could stop you Momma, you know I can’t live without you!

Then I hear the door slam and the car start, I guess you didn’t hear me talkin’….then I hear your footsteps walkin’ and then I hear a man ask, “Are you sure you want to do this?” But this man aint sound like my Pops….and before another word was spoken, Momma, you said, “Yes”…The only problem was that....see ummm the only other man in the room besides that voice I just heard, was me.

This whole time I was thinkin’ that you and Pops were fighting because he was cheatin’!
But the only reason he was mad is because you said you wouldn’t keep it!
So I guess “I” is “it”
and well Momma I AIN’T DO SHIT!
YALL MADE THIS MISTAKE, WHY I GOTTA PAY FOR IT!?
Momma….I’m your Son, even tho I’m only 3 months conceived…
I thought you wanted to kill him,
But this whole time

…it was me.

I need you to live.

Phone Call (June 26, 2010)

(Phone Rings)
Either Moms or my sister would yell “Maaaaaark, Miiiiiiike… Telephoneeeeee!”
I was always excited to speak to you!
Looking forward to the weekends so I could be with you.
Those were the good times, yea them times were the best,
I even remember cryin to moms, everytime you left!
See….I know your life story big bro, and all that pain you aint you aint deserve it.
All the shit he went through it made em feel worthless,
But to me you was worth it, I never looked at you different
Only saw you on the weekends….
Then you stopped coming…
…………………and the phone…..stopped……ringing…
I never told anyone how much my Big Bro was worth...

(Phone Rings)
This time you calling collect,
you never knew how much yo Lil Bro walked your footsteps.
How you end up in there? U ‘posed to be my role model,
Settin’ standards and rules for me to follow
I cried nights and shed tears until my soul was hollow….
But to me you was worth it!

(Doorbell Rings)
I opened, and to my surprise it was you!
No more weekend visits, Pops said you was stayin wit us!
So now us 3 was an everyday thing.
You, Me, and Mike did the same ‘ol thing,
But then yo ass flipped and did the SAME ‘OL THING!
Left me without reason…
And ever since I been sittin here waitin for this damn cell phone to ring!

and….well…for years it didn’t….

Sister talked to you!
Shit Pops, Moms and Lil Bro did too…
Why I’m the only one that aint hearin from you!
You meant the world to me, and I ran the plenty hurdles without (Cell Phone Rings)

(Hold on yall, I’ll finish after this call…)

Me: Hello?
Caller: Wats Good Lil’ Bro
Me: Who is this?
Caller: Lil Bro, this Anthony….I miss you…

Caged

Caged:23 Hours

So you want me to change? Ha!...right.
Put 1 white shirt in with the coloreds, better believe its gone come out stained...
So why you feel that by locking me in here with devils will turn me into an Angel...
I highly doubt it, and ain’t no need to ask if I'll still be the same..

Look where I'm at...
U can't feel what I feel, cuz that's something I no longer do.
My meals are far from food and I don't have everyday to use as tools...
I learn from my environment, of prisoners locked up just like me.
Living in here I wonder how u expect me to ever be free...
cuz even when I'm released, there will always be this inner beast inside of me,
that was created from being locked down since my days of a teen.
From hearing about my family dying, but no funerals for me,
never got to say my peace, in here I never get to think of peace,
so Honestly, peace means nothing to me.

See yall get 8760 hours, 525600 minutes, 31536000 seconds to live yall lives and wit me being locked down 23hrs a day for the next 24yrs gives me....
Yea...yall do the math
so...Fuck it! You place me hear to deter my issues, but in all actuality your keeping this cycle going!!!

Change? Ha!
....Yall solutions are the main reasons as to why I'll forever be the same.

Random

When most say love, yall say it with no meaning...
But every time i speak it, my lil heart just get the bleedin!
Deceiving, Deceiving...Love's Game is Deceiving
and everytime you play it someone always end up cheatin..
and once one find out, they always say they wasn't thinking
Should, woulda, coulda...
Prolly shouldnt had that drink and
it really wasn't me, that Henn it altered my decision...

If i never had them shots, then we never woulda kissed,
and if we never woulda kissed, then yo love i wouldn't miss
and if yo love i didn't miss...
maybe my Ms. would be my Mrs....

Damn...


Do I still have hope?

Rollercoaster Solution

Growing up I always had a helping hand, my corner was always filled with loving Family and friends willing to stop what they were doing, for me. Willing to go the extra mile, but as my "age mileage" increased, its only logical that those helping hands decrease.
Now its real, and now I'm a man, with one in my corner. Yes we are on a rollercoaster and we are holding on tight, but we hit a few drops n now she is so sick to her stomach that her emotions pour out like "word vomit" from all the ups n downs the "ride" has taken her on. Aiming her "word vomit" towards me, and now I'm a mess. The only way to clean myself on this ride is to remove the layers I have on.
So, I begin to take of my shirt and show her my heart...
I take off my hat so she can see what's on my mind...
I take of my pants so we can................Wait! not here...
You see, in order to make it on this ride one must "take off their cool".
Those clothes are how I want to be perceived, I dress that way and become similar to everyone else, but the reality is the only thing cool about me is what lies beneath,
And all she needs to heal her sickness is just that
...the real me.

Dreams Surround, Cancer...

I know a young man with so many beautiful dreams. I wonder why he was placed in this nightmare. See because this young man lived poverty stricken he had to work for his, whether legal or illegal he needed all he could get. Perceived as a trouble maker by many, but his intentions were good. No one saw the beautiful mind that rested under his nappy hair. His heart was larger than 10 hearts in one. See he can't help where he was placed, for its hard to grow with no one to follow, it's hard to change when you lay in the midst of the problem. Overshadowed dreams of change, peace and unity were in a constant battle with the state of his surroundings. Screams are close to silence due to gun shots and police sirens. Dreams on hold because now his baby is on the way and now his son is crying, and now this young man is out to seek cash while his dreams are still hiding. Man I wish yall could see inside em...there lies so many answers. Far too advanced maybe even had a cure for these cancerous symptoms that labels him and his community "thugs" and "monsters". This young man grew forever hiding his dreams, only so he could survive...
On another money mission but this time it was different. Took matters in his own hands, now the only thing that matters is that gun in his hand, but them niggas had one too.
Legs bleeding, makin it hard to run, seen a lot in his surroundings but never thought he'd see this one.
Heart Racin...
And let out a scream.......
But remember no one can hear them over GUNSHOTS,
............POLICE SIRENS
Ambulance Sirens ringing, And NOW his baby is screaming
Doctors can't save em....
And his dreams are still hiding, forever.




Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.



See although cancer is a physical illness, no one notices the mental cancer that spreads amongst the black race. Starting in our minds with symptoms of: stealing, robbing, incarceration, and then death.

Dream, for we all have treasures in our mind, but this cancer makes us too weak to open our own vaults.
Wake up!....before it's too late.

From A Seed to a Flower

A "seed" is different from none. It's similar to all of its type. Something so small and visually meaningless with the potential to bring true beauty to a physical existence. When looking at a "seed", I begin to wonder....How? How can something so simple grow to be this metaphoric example of life and beauty.
Set it in the right soil, for foundation is more important than anything. And although that is most important, your work isn't done. One creates the outcome by exhibiting the proper attention that this soon to be flower deserves.
It's delicate, handle it with care and precaution.
Water it daily or it won't survive...
The "seed" will never blossom. Show it the proper light, guide it...or the simple "seed", which is different from none, will never feel the amazing complexity of true beauty.
See the Growing Process is the hardest part of this creation. Outside variables come into play, that no one can prepare for. It is bound to rain, for storms are inevitable. Yet, ironically the rain is water, and water is a necessity for this plant to blossom, and when the light breaks through the clouds and ends the storm, the plant is strong, healthy, and ready for anything that comes its way.
Now you wonder, what flower is this? What seed did this beauty come from?
Well, the answer is simply "Love"
You see, like a meaningless seed, "Love" is just a four letter word with POTENTIAL to mean much more and blossom into one of the most amazing complexities one may ever encounter.
Like a flower "Love" has its seasons, although physical presence may vanish at times one must remember,
it always comes back
Seasons always return
and as the seasons,
So does "Love"